​THE STORY:
Ben and Marian (Oliver Reed & Karen Black) decide to spend the summer at a countryside mansion with their son and their aunt, played by Bette Davis.  Soon strange things start to happen, and with each odd occurrence the mansion somehow rejuvenates itself.  A deadly evil lurks within the walls, on the grounds and in their minds.  And it’s coming from the attic…
 
It’s a creepy premise, sure, but watching Oliver Reed wobble those big lips of his to feign trembling is hardly spine-tingling.  Is it overacting or just plain bad acting?  Neither.  The biggest downfall of this movie is that it clearly thinks it’s a lot scarier than it actually is.  The grin of the man who haunts Reed’s character is so damn cheesy, he looks as if he’s about to sell you a Dime bar.  The make-up job used to transform Karen Black’s character into an older woman is so poor that you’re hard pressed to believe that Reed wouldn’t presume she had gone mad and was playing dress-up.  And if you’re going to just stand there as a huge chimney VERY…SLOWLY… crumbles down on top of you, nobody will fear for you.  They’ll just think you’re a numb-wad.
 
Despite its amateur conception, Black’s final transformation put me in mind of Mary Shaw from James Wan’s Dead Silence (2007), which came as no surprise as the look of almost every movie villainess is, one way or the other, inspired by either Disney’s Wicked Stepmother from Cinderella (1950) or the Evil Queen/Old Hag from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937).
 
This movie sees the iconic Bette Davis still banging that horror drum after the genre revitalised her career over a decade earlier with the 1962 classic, Whatever Happened To Baby Jane.  And it’s always a joy to have Burgess Meredith on board.  Still, it’s hard not to imagine him with his trademark monocle, cigarette holder and purple top-hat.  As if his depiction of Arnold Allardyce is any less sinister!
 
LAST WORDS:
Clearly the movie’s budget went to its excellent cast of actors because their make-up department is dog shit.  It wants to be scary when it is only mildly chilly.  It should’ve aged well but they are just as many cracks here as there are in the chimney that killed poor little Davey.

Kubo and the Two Strings is the latest animated feature from Laika studios, the team that brought us Coraline, Paranorman and The Boxtrolls. Anyone who is familiar with those movies will already know to expect beautiful stop-motion animation but where Kubo differs is in the grand scale of epic adventure storytelling it brings. Set in olden days Japan this is a mystical, samurai, folk lore tale that's not to be missed.

We're first introduced to our titular character when he is washed a shore with his mother as an infant, this is where we learn the tale of his Grandfather who, whilst trying to kill Kubo has removed one of his eyes (yes, that's right, missing eye Kill Bill style), Kubo's mother has now escaped the evil clutches of her Father and her two wicked sisters and is living a life of solitude trying to protect her son. Kubo whiles away his days telling stories to the local town folks, using origami shapes and a magic guitar to bring the stories to life but soon evil catches up with our young warrior and he is thrust into an epic adventure to find his fathers legendary armour and defeat the moon king (his grandfather). Accompanied by a seriously ass kicking monkey and a cursed warrior named Beetle they set off on their quest unaware of the dangers that lay ahead.

The movie boasts the voice talents of Charlize Theron, Ralph Fiennes, Rooney Mara and Matthew McConaughey and everything about the film oozes a certain level grandeur. The action sequences are breathless at times and one can only stand and admire the puppet work on show, serious effort has gone into this production and it shows. I'm not too familiar with the old Japanese movies that this film no doubtedly pays homage to but a few scenes reminded me of Kill Bill and we know these movies were a huge influence on Quentin Tarantino. The movie does get a bit dark at times but it is the sort of film that takes a child up a notch from the usual every day Disney fan to a fully fledged cinemaphobe Grab your kids, grab some popcorn and buckle up for the ride.

Holy Crime Fighting Batman! the caped crusaders of the late 60's are back for a brand new adventure. Now in Animated form the story follows Batman and the boy wonder Robin who must stop Gotham City's most dastardly villains The Penguin, The Riddler, The Joker and Catwoman from stealing a duplication ray gun. Our duo travel into space to stop the trio and capture Joker, Riddler and Penguin, however after being poisoned by Catwoman our Bat masked hero begins to turn dark. With nowhere to turn Robin must enlist the help of some unlikely allies to get Batman back to his bat-dancing self.

For a follow on from the original TV series Return of the Caped Crusaders is a fun little film. All the cheese of the 60's TV series is here, The POWS! the various sprays that can counter pretty much anything and even a Batzooka. This was vintage gold label cheese right here and with Adam West, Burt Ward and Julie Newmar returning to voice their characters this will please any fan of the series. For a younger audience i'm not totally convinced this will work, It's not the modern day Batman, and we all know how majorly camp the original series is, but it is alot of fun.
​
The negatives, I found the beginning and closing acts a little slow at times but the middle act with evil Batman was very well done and lets be honest, Adam West is amazing as Batman, evil or good.

If you liked the original series then you will really enjoy this animated feature. Yes the animation may be a hard one to get use to for some people, but overall it works pretty well. The Return of the Caped Crusaders is cheese times and thousand and all the better for it.

​THE STORY:
In a ploy to up sticks from their chaotic halls of residence and into a fraternity, Keith (Chris Makepeace) & AJ (Robert Rusler) drive into the city to hire an exotic dancer for the party they promised to throw to prove their worth as frat brothers.  However, in a From Dusk till Dawn (1996) style twist of fate, the unlucky pledges run into – yeah, you guessed it – vampires!
 
Some movies wear their influences like a glistening, gleaming badge of honour.  Some movies wear their frantically beating hearts on their sleeve.  All disguised with carefully shifted plotlines, locations and genders.  Yet it’s hard to condemn when everything is dressed up in that classic smoky midnight 80s downtown backdrop, like an old theatre stage come to life, all the while exuding an effortless cool in spite of the hair, the fashion and the music.
 
It’s nice to see Rusler taking on a greater role in a movie.  Chris on the other hand…  I just don’t see how these two got paired together.  The chemistry is lacking.  Chris’ comic timing is a little off and he spends most of his scenes with Rusler appearing quite uncomfortable.  Is it because a year prior to making this picture his screen partner starred in a certain horror sequel that had more homosexual undertones than a Batman movie directed by Joel Schumacher?  I don’t know.  There just seems to be a hint of terrified reservation in those big blue eyes of his.
 
Grace Jones is well known for her strong, iconic looks and Vamp is certainly no exception.  From her first appearance to her last breath as the ferocious Queen Katrina she phases from a mixture of Pennywise the Dancing Clown and Pris from Blade Runner (1982) to a cross between a fierce jungle cat and Straker of Salem’s Lot (1979).
 
LAST WORDS:
If Evil Ed had survived the original movie I could imagine Vamp being a strong sequel to Tom Holland’s Fright Night (1985).  It has a hint of the bizarre and while it is just different enough not to be accused of being a total cash-cow knock-off, the feeling remains.  That said, Vamp is highly enjoyable 80s vampire romp that did not deserve to plummet into the obscurity that merits the Arrow Video treatment.  But is there a better way to be rediscovered?

 THE STORY:
If I need to elaborate on that title you either ain’t had your coffee yet, or you need a refill...
 
I’m not completely sure what my expectations were from J.P this time around.  Being the man behind the gory chainsaw-wielding slasher flick Pieces (1982), of course, I was prepared for a sick ride.  But was I ready to witness a movie that could potentially make no sense whatsoever?  Well, there was that one weird castration scene…
 
In an opening sequence that pays tribute to movies such as Jaws (1975) and Piranha (1978) – by the broadest stretch of the imagination – it quickly becomes apparent, the level of silliness we are dealing with here.  But there is still a glimmer of hope.
 
I recently gave George McCowan’s 1972 creature feature Frogs a shredding, mostly due to how fucking dumb the characters were.  As it transpires, some of the motherfuckers in this picture are even dumber.  Bearing that in mind, the most crucial difference between this movie and that is that Slugs gives you the violent, blood-drenched pay-offs that Frogs does not.
 
It really does make the leap.  Especially when you grow up hearing the usual urban legends such as strangers calling babysitters and more particularly, spiders laying eggs inside your head.  This all gradually builds to a rather unnerving dinner sequence.  It’s a shame that the scene wasn’t a little more reserved to make it all the more frightening, as opposed to going from zero to Total Recall (1990) in a matter of seconds, but that just wouldn’t be true to the outrageous nature of the film.
 
The use of snails that bite, with their teeny-tiny little fangs is a cute move.  Within seconds I am thinking back to blue furry caterpillars in Labyrinth (1986) walls and racing snails carrying messengers to the Ivory Tower to see The Childlike Empress.
 
LAST WORDS:
At least its silliness is overshadowed by how gross it is.

THE STORY:
The Carters become stranded in the desert.  And when night falls they are set upon by a vicious family of cannibals.
 
Now what have we got here then?  A 54-minute making of doc.  The same one from the double-disc special edition Anchor Bay release, I presume?  Yay…I guess…  In the same vein as their Madman release Arrow gives us some insight into the soundtrack of the cannibal cult classic.  While these segments are enjoyable in their own way, they are not as musically in-depth as I wanted them to be.  What did they do to make that sound?  What inspired their approach to the composition?  These questions go unanswered. 
 
Martin Sheer gives us a fairly well-rounded interview, starting with the audition process, filming, his thoughts on Wes as a director as well as the aftermath.  Meanwhile, we also have a blooper reel thrown in there.  Most of them did nothing for me, 1 or 2 chuckles achieved, at best, out of nearly 20 minutes of footage.  There’s an Image Gallery too.  Does anyone else ever wonder what is the fucking point of those?  Google not good enough for you?
 
For those of you who’ve loved the director of this movie since you were a kid, I have to say there is a potent bittersweet-ness to be felt whenever an interviewee utters the words “Wes Craven was”.  Admittedly I’ve been avoiding the full sting of his passing like the plague.  Still it’s good to see him again in the Anchor Bay featurette, with that grin that is somehow both mischievous and warm at the same time.
 
LAST WORDS:
There have been so many DVD re-issues of this movie, I certainly don’t feel like any part of me was asking or waiting for yet another release, regardless of picture quality.  Then again I’m one of the dirty little blighters who had the sheer, disgusting, reprehensible audacity to think the 2006 remake rocked balls.  But even I can respect the fact that it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as good as it was without Craven’s involvement in the project.

​THE STORY:
10 directors.  10 tales.  It’s basically ABCs but with less stories and less creativity.
 
Sweet Tooth comes from the director of The Hills Run Red (2009).  While I found this to be a suitable show-opener as well as one of the more enjoyable chapters, it felt too similar to something you might find on a YouTube’s Top 10 Scariest Short Films video, only nowhere near as good or imaginative…or scary…
 
Darren Lynn Bousman directs The Night Billy Raised Hell.  You may know him from Saw II (2006), III (2007) & IV (2008) fame, a largely ignored Mother’s Day (1980) re-imagining and some dumb movie where angels look like monsters???  It’s hard not to connect this one to Satan’s Little Helper (2004), funnier but not as sinister.  While Barry Bostwick never fails to be hilarious, whatever creepy ambiance has been set in place by the first segment, he demolishes it.
 
I expected part 3 to be shit, and shock, horror, I was right.  The setup to this piece is almost non-existent so you don’t care if these people die and you care even less when the “twist” arrives.  After the god awful shite heap that was Fertile Ground (2011)…what the fuck is Gierasch even doing on this project???
 
The Weak and the Wicked is probably one of the most disappointing tales.  We have Grace Phipps from Some Kind of Hate (2015), Keir Gilchrist from It Follows (2014) and Noah Segan from…shit, half the Indie horrors that are out these today and yet nothing…  This story is supposed to be about Keir’s revenge, but all we are shown is how mean his 3 tormentors are.  Being mean, more mean and meaner still.  And when the moment of truth rolls around, we are left with one scream and a spray of blood.
 
Grim Grinning Ghost comes from the director of Soulmate (2013).  It is set up well enough but suffers from an abrupt ending which soils the entire experience.  Frankly I expected something much more in-depth from Carolyn.
 
Ding Dong…Ding Dong indeed!  Leave it to Lucky McKee to be that lighthouse of hope in a sea of shit.  He brought us May (2002) & The Woman (2011) and sidestepping that unnecessary remake, he’s back, again with Pollyanna McIntosh taking centre stage as the standout performance of the anthology. 
 
This Mean War – Desperate Housewives would’ve easily nailed this one with its marigolds tied behind its back.  Worst one by far.  Seriously Kasch, stick to your excellent documentaries.
 
Friday the 31st is an odd one that gradually disarms you with its quirky twists and turns.  An unexpected highlight from an otherwise questionable source…
 
The Ransom of Rusty Rex…this is a tough one.  At this point I feel there have been too many cop-outs where our selected film-makers are playing chicken-shit and opting for black comedy.  Comedy is harder, but scary is the hardest!  And right now, I’m sick of funny.  Rusty Rex is either in the wrong place, or it should just replace This Means War altogether.  Sorry Schifrin!
 
Neil Marshall’s Bad Seed also finds itself on the wrong side of my funny threshold.  It matters not as I was fully expecting him to slay his competition and here he doesn’t even come close.  Normally I would burst with excitement at the idea of a man-eating pumpkin, but it looks like that dream has yet to be realised.
 
LAST WORDS:
Stick to YouTube.