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Bite - Rating: * * * (Reviewed by Louis Stephenson)

10/28/2016

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​THE STORY:
Casey is not ready for marriage.  A realisation that becomes all the more clearer when a bite from her Costa Rican vacay begins to transform her into some form of insect-human hybrid.  And this creature does not like company…
 
Casey is the ideal candidate to descend head long into such a gruesome metamorphosis.  What does she have to fight for?  The mother figure who can’t stand her?  The best friend who has no regard for her well-being?  The future husband she can’t commit to?  To top it all, she’s an unremarkable selfish nobody that does not even have the fight in her to spare the one friend who genuinely cares for her.  This isn’t character development.  This is the exact opposite.
 
Due to the Casey-monster’s instincts her apartment becomes her nesting ground when her transformation is too far gone.  It also houses thousands of her unhatched offspring.  Unfortunately, although it does fit the creature’s habits, the self-induced confinement still works against the movie’s progression, plummeting this intriguing body-horror into a level of predictability that rivals even the least imaginative of slasher sequels.  Her victims may as well come courtesy of a conveyor belt.
 
I would urge anyone who picks this movie up not to be fooled by what have to be significantly over-exaggerated reports on just how gross this move is.  Of course, different things effect different people in different ways but I doubt any well-worn horror fan would even blink at this movie.  However, this shouldn’t detract from what the special effects team has accomplished here.  It’s gory.  It’s gross.  It’s beautifully made.  It’s just not enough to incite a repeat of the first Exorcist screenings…
 
LAST WORDS:
Bite is a victim of anticipation.  And anticipation can usually turn out to be a real bitch.  But I guess it’s better than having your face melted off by acidic insect bile…
 
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The Windmill Massacre - Rating: * * * (Reviewed by Louis Stephenson)

10/28/2016

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​THE STORY:
7 tourists, plus one bus driver, find themselves stranded after their transport breaks down in the Dutch countryside.  After taking refuge close to an old windmill, not only do they learn that it burned down years ago but it is also a gateway to hell.  The gatekeeper, a demon miller, who ground the bones of his victims when he was alive, picks them off one by one as he must now collect the souls of sinners.  But they each have a choice: Repent or die…
 
Based on Dutch folklore and director, Nick Jongerius’ self-confessed fear of windmills, this violent sprite puts one in mind of stranded Brit horrors such as Simon Hunter’s Lighthouse (1999).  Much akin to the miller, the character Leo Rook is seen as a legend in his own right, as well as both of them possessing similar superhuman capabilities afforded by mass murderers such as Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees – the main difference being that the miller is actually a supernatural being.  And let’s not forget their shared penchant for haunting monolith-like buildings.  The Windmill Massacre lacks the intensity and creepy atmosphere of Lighthouse, however.  But there’s still room left for a little twist or two.
 
The special effects are truly excellent: the highlights include a wonderful head-stomping and a gruesome disembowelment.  The miller’s getup is pretty cool, too.  It’s an even cross between a scarecrow, good old Freddy with a dash of the headless horseman.
 
Your typical all-walks-of-life cast do a good enough job, despite being confined and thereby limited by their own movie-land stereotypes – i.e. the mopey kid; the mysterious beauty; the intelligent Asian; the working father; the girl “with a past” etc. etc.  That said, despite having a terrible secret, the young Jennifer, played by Charlotte Beaumont, still manages to carry off the wholesome final girl schtick quite nicely.  I wanted more from Noah Taylor, but true to form he was never known for his lengthy on-screen presence.
 
LAST WORDS:
If you do happen to pick up this supernatural slasher, do so for none other than the fact that it can be comical without trying desperately to be funny, that it is gloriously gory because it uses good old practical special effects, or just for the simple fact that any horror that so freely uses the word MASSACRE in its title in this day and age is always worth at least one defiant peek
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The Burning - Rating: * * * * (Reviewed Louis Stephenson)

10/24/2016

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​All pranks go wrong in the horror movies.  And when they do go wrong, they go dead wrong…  Forget about Jason and his machete.  Forget about Madman Marz and his axe.  The most vicious killer ever to stalk a summer camp site is already here, watching you.  You can turn around to run, but he’s already behind you.  And he will slice you apart, piece by piece with his razor-sharp garden shears…  Welcome to camp, kids!!!
 
Halloween is just around the corner, and if you’ve been lucky enough to get your claws on Arrow’s latest jack-o’-lantern-tinged steelbook edition of Tony Maylam’s The Burning, then your celebration of All Hallow’s Eve is off to a terrific start.  The Blu-ray rendition of this dual format offering shines with that rejuvenating Arrow glow, as if the entire film were blasted through some kind of supersonic movie projector.  Those lake waters look so fresh and so clean that you could bottle and sell it tomorrow.
 
The highlight of this release’s extra features is undoubtedly Blood’n’Fire Memories with horror special effects makeup pioneer Tom Savini.  The man has killed more teenagers than Freddy, Michael and Jason combined and it certainly is a treat to see this innovative man in action.  He lets you in on some of his trade secrets, tells a few set stories and he doesn’t hold back on his thoughts on the Friday the 13th franchise!
 
Despite this, I still found the extras to be slightly lacking.  While it is most fascinating to hear the movie’s composer Rick Wakeman regale us about his dealings with the ever tumultuous nature of the film-making business in the dreadfully titled extra, Synthly the Best, what I really wanted was interviews with the younger cast – Jason Alexander in particular.  Both his charisma and chemistry with his camp buddies pretty much carry the movie until the bloody action is ready to commence, so it would have been interesting to hear his thoughts on his experience making the movie as well as his opinion of the finished product.
 
LAST WORDS:
Save for a few severed fingers, Savini’s disturbingly realistic work continues to amaze and horrify me in ways that will keep this movie on my mind for days.  It has been a while, but every kill scene, from the prostitute to the river rafting massacre feel just as savage as the first time I saw them.  The big reveal of our killer’s handsome face still chips away at my soul each time I see it.  Thanks to Arrow’s restoration certain scenes that were once too dark to make out on DVD have finally come into the light.  The special features weren’t everything that I hoped for, but I’m sure they will satisfy the majority.  Another great release that belongs in every slasher movie lover’s collection.
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Frogs - Rating: * 1/2 (Reviewed by Louis Stephenson)

10/24/2016

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​THE STORY:
As the Crockett family rally to celebrate the 4th July as well as the birthday of their ecologically inconsiderate patriarch, they are set upon by spiders, snakes and reptiles galore.  Oh and there are some noisy frogs, too…
 
Big spoiler people!  If you have even the teensiest look into what this movie is all about, it won’t take you long to discover that it has not a single frog-related death to speak of.  That said, the fact that your average frog isn’t actually deadly at all is about the only thing that this movie keeps it real on.  They’re a bunch of big, fat, loud fuckers but they’re hardly a patch on that beast from Pan’s Labyrinth (2006).  Still, you can’t complain too much.  They are everywhere all the time and when you can’t see them you can almost always hear them.  Like oranges to The Godfather (1972) they are simply an omen of death.
 
Speaking of death!  You have got to be pretty fucking stupid to die in a movie as weakly constructed as this.  And I must say this has to be the dumbest bunch of motherfuckers I’ve ever come across.  And that’s coming from someone who has enjoyed and suffered through a shitload of slasher movies!  The sheer amount of bad decisions that are made here is beyond the count of absurdity.  For example: When you are walking in a certain direction and you happen upon deadly snakes, you run in the opposite direction.  What you do not do is carry on walking straight into them!  And if for some dumb-fuck reason you manage to shoot yourself in the leg and find yourself lying on the ground as poisonous spiders descend upon you, you do not just lie there and scream like a bitch.  You either get rolling or you get up and you hop for your motherfucking life! 
 
For the most part this is a handsome, classically shot movie.  It’s only when danger is afoot that either the director or cinematographer, who knows which, has no idea what they are doing.  As one moronic character dies of poisonous fumes, they try to unease us with extreme in and out close-ups of lizards’ faces.  Mostly it just reminds me of those horrendously bad, super-corny heavy metal music videos from the early to mid-80s.  And their technique at tension-building is just non-existent.  I dislike spiders but I fucking loathe snakes of all shapes and sizes, but here everything fails so miserably that I may as well be watching the world’s most boring nature programme…
 
LAST WORDS:
For a movie this lame, for a movie this tame it begs the question of how it managed to earn its ‘suitable for 15 years and over’ certificate.  Even if you like your schlock this is rather joyless.  But if still want to do the whole ‘man versus whatever’ thing then in this case you’d be better off just watching Jaws (1975) for the hundredth time.
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Dr. Strange (1978) - Rating: * 

10/18/2016

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Before the release of the much anticipated Doctor Strange's release next week, we had the chance to catch the fair doctors first appearance in the 1978 TV Movie Dr. Strange. The show was released around the same time as The Incredible Hulk series and the live action Spiderman series but was never picked up for a full series.

Dr.Strange is the tale of Dr. Stephen Strange, a psychiatrist known for his compassion and caring who is drawn into an other worldly battle between The Sorcerer Supreme Lindmer and the evil witch Morgan Le Fay. Strange is destined to inherit the powers of Lindmer but is he ready for the challenge?

This film has very little to do with the Marvel mythology behind the origin story of Strange, going for a good guy feel other than the arrogant doctor we all know from the comics. Compared to the feel of The Incredible Hulk series, Dr. Strange really didn't work. For the most part this film felt like one of the lesser popular Hammer Horror films, going for a dark supernatural feel which comes across more like a Flash Gordon style parody. It looks awful, it looks cheap and the acting is very bad throughout. There is very little in this film that could even be classed as enjoyable and to be honest this hasn't aged well in the slightest.

I really wanted to like this film, even with the cheap effects I thought this could be a decent enough, campy watch but the whole film just dragged. You can see why this didn't get picked up for a TV series and in all honesty would have slipped into obscurity if it wasn't for the up coming film. Give this one a miss, save you money for the new film. 



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The Neighbor - Rating: * * *

10/14/2016

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Army Veteran John and is wife Rosie are two low level crooks to make their living from fitting fake number plates for his somewhat uncle. When their neighbour pops round to subtly confront the pair they initially think little of it. However when John comes home one night to find Rosie gone he begins to suspect his neighbour is not what meets the eye.

Josh Stewart (The Collector) is reunited with The Collector director Marcus Dunstan yet again to play a criminal who finds himself in a house and a nutcase. This has the feel, in ways, of Don't Breathe with the filming style and soundtrack style of The Collector series, but as a whole there wasn't an awful lot to shout about here and this is a damn shame.

I am a huge lover of Dunstan's previous works (The Collector is one of my favourite slasher flicks from the modern era) but The Neighbour just lacks something for me. I'm not sure if it the typical 'people in the basement' story or just the mundane way it was delivered but I wasn't thrilled or on the edge of my seat. The film looks gritty, which goes in it's favor for a little while but there is no obvious reason for Troy to be keeping people in his basement other than the money. Did something happen to his wife? we see pictures of him, his wife and his son in the house but she isn't really mentioned much. Josh Stewart just plays the same role as he did in The Collector while Alex Essoe plays the damaged girl in distress who goes postal near the end.

Is this a bad film? No not bad, it is more predictable than anything else. Even the twist addition of the police officer helping Troy and his boys in hiding the dead bodies wasn't that shocking. You knew she was a bad one by the way she stopped John. It is worth a watch. There are worse films which are similar to this one the market and overall the film is well acted. I would love to see Dunstan do something a little different though, like an adaptation of his co-authored novel Blacklight? The Neighbour is a thriller for a lazy afternoon when you are stuck for stuff to watch.
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Equals - Rating: * * * *

10/13/2016

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We have reviewed a lot of action and horror on Snakebite as of late, but as the summer season has come and gone we are treated to some stellar dramas hitting the review pile. 

​In an emotionless post -apocalyptic world called 'The Collective, the inhabitats live there lives void of emotions. When an illness named ' Switched-On-Syndrome' or SOS begins infecting inhabitants a handful of people start to feel real feelings for the first time. This includes Illustrator Silas (Nicholas Hoult - X-MEN FIRST CLASS) and his colleague Nia (Kristen Stewart - Twilight). As their love grows the two of them begin to push the boundaries of their society while trying to keep their love hidden.

Equals is a beautifully crafted film, quiet but powerful in so many ways. Watching true human emotions played out for the first time is so wonderfully acted, huge props to Nicholas Hoult who is the focused character to experience feeling true feelings. He plays out every emotion with such grace and wonder that you actual feel like you are watching the real thing. From touch, taste and finally love he throws so much at the role, so much I would even say this is his best film to date. Kristen Stewart plays hidden emotionless well.......there is a joke in there somewhere. Equals is a modern day Romeo and Juliet in it's style with the feel of Ex-Machina thrown in there for good measure.

All kidding aside regarding Stewart though I do think the chemistry between her and Holt was very good. You good feel the love between Silas and Nia, and this makes the closing act of the film so sad. The start crossed lovers who can't show their love for one enough in a world where everyone is looking for those infected.  The film doesn't need to be loud, it doesn't need over the top sex scenes, it was beautiful done with passion and style which is an art lost in cinema today. 

It is a shame Equals didn't get a wider cinema release, it would be a shame for this to fade into the ever misty world of straight to DVD, but I hope people get out there and give it a go. Well acted and masterfully directed by Drake Doremus (Like Crazy,  Breathe In) this film will make you look differently at every emotion you feel.
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Ash vs Evil Dead: Season One - Rating: * * * * * (Reviewed by Louis Stephenson)

10/12/2016

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THE STORY:
​​Bruce Campbell returns as Ash to stop the onslaught of deadites after accidentally releasing their dark, evil forces from the Necronomicon one drunken night.  He hits the road with his trailer and two store clerk sidekicks, Pablo and Kelly to save the world.  Ladies and gentleman, the chainsaw and shotgun are back!!!
 
It’s been a long wait for the proper return of Ash.  But there’s no doubt that the demand has been festering. We’ve had graphic novels: Freddy vs Jason vs Ash and its follow-up The Nightmare Warriors.  Even Campbell’s movie My Name Is Bruce (2006) doesn’t look so out of place.  However, his imminent return didn’t become apparent until the utterance of a single word in a post-credits cameo of a certain 2013 remake, and that word was “Groovy”.
 
Two years later the world is blessed with the greatest comedy horror series of all time.  Starting with a pilot directed and co-written by the original creator himself, Sam Raimi.  This guy knows funny.  He knows scary.  He knows suspense.  He knows gore.  He knows action, and the true meaning of entertainment.  Basically everything that Michael Bay doesn’t!  He’s stirred it all in its wicked pot and what emerges is only just the beginning of a creepy, laugh-out-loud, blood-drenched, road-tripping, gore-laden extravaganza.
 
Led by the funniest man ever to carry a chainsaw and shotgun, Ash has a great supporting cast behind him.  The handsome Ray Santiago is hilarious just to set eyes upon as his truly awesome hairstyle makes him look like a real-life Simpson character.  The fact that Ash’s sidekick, named Pablo of all things, can’t get used to the blood and guts never fails to amuse.  Pablo’s crush, and sidekick no. 2, Dana DeLorenzo oozes cool as a cross between Scarlett Johansson and Wednesday Addams.  Hot on their trail is state trooper Amanda Fisher (Jill Marie Jones).  Watch out for this one as she somehow works her way into your heart, and just might break it.  Through it all, the gifted and enigmatic Ruby (Lucy Lawless) isn’t far behind.  Bitch has got a secret…
 
Now where your Special Features are concerned:  You will find a quick compilation of Ash’s funniest and coolest moments as well as his best one-liners from the season.  I will admit, I was hoping it would feature clips from the movies series, but as they didn’t even have permission to reference Army of Darkness (1992) at the time, it’s just not worth it.  For all you commentary hungry hell hounds there is one for each of the 10 episodes for you to guzzle on.  Needless to say, there is the standard featurette, which adequately covers the entire series chapter by chapter despite only being 15-16 minutes long.  And, of course, a brief but fun how to guide on taking down a deadite with the help of some comic-con goers for good measure.
 
LAST WORDS:
“Hail to the king, baby.”
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Scream Queens: Season One - Rating: * * 1/2 (Reviewed by Louis Stephenson)

10/12/2016

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THE STORY:
20 years after the post-partum cover-up of a Kappa Kappy Tau sorority sister’s death, a killer dubbed the Red Devil begins cutting down students and everyone that gets in their way on their quest for the ultimate bloody revenge.  Their main target, the sorority sisters of Kappa Kappa Tau.
 
The leader of this sorority is house president, Chanel Oberlin, played by Emma Roberts.  A new cast favourite of creator Ryan Murphy’s anthology series American Horror Story, since being part of the main ensemble for 2 consecutive seasons – Coven and Freak Show – Roberts was plucked from one universe and dropped into another.  And it’s painfully obvious that the character of Chanel Oberlin is really just a prissy clone of Coven’s Madison Montgomery, just as spoilt, just as scheming, just as cruel and just as fucking annoying!  The only real difference is that she has minions – Chanel #3 & 5.
 
I found #3 to be the most tolerable of the Chanels, thanks to Billie Lourd’s commitment to the hilariously apathetic character.  She is Daria’s prettier, dumber, blonder twin.  Abigail Breslin on the other hand is criminally miscast as Chanel #5.  Breslin isn’t a whiny, helpless, shallow rich girl.  She’s a tough cookie.  She’s a leader, far better suited to Skylar Samuels’ final girl role as Grace Gardner.  I would propose a switch, but if remaining a Chanel graduates Breslin to the second season, then at least there is still time to redeem and nurture her talent…if that’s even possible on a show like this…
 
I’m sorry to say that Niecy Nash didn’t pop up on my radar until she played the vivacious Regina in 2013’s Nurse 3D.  Sorry because her turn here as hapless campus security guard Denise Hemphill is a constant breath of fresh air, a scene stealer in her own right.  Her excessive need for exposition and recapping coupled with her unhealthy disposition is comedy gold.  Jamie Lee Curtis just seems to be enjoying herself in her role as the formidable university Dean Munsch.  And why not?  She’s paid her dues.  She is one of the original scream queens.  She was the only thing that was bearable in Halloween: Resurrection (2002).  And no one in their right mind takes a show like this seriously.
 
But what about the horror?  Hmmm, that depends.  Do you hate Arianna Grande?  YouTube celebrities?  Joe Jonas?  Well, they are all here and like Paris Hilton in House of Wax (2005) you get to watch them all die.  Sometimes more than once!  Aside from that there’s not much blood.  There’s no atmosphere.  There’s no suspense.  It won’t scare you.  It won’t make you jump.  But there are slashings, burnings, amputations, decapitations, stabbings and lawn-mower-ings???  Not a word?  Oh well…
 
LAST WORDS:
Screams Queens is described fairly by Emma Roberts herself as Mean Girls meets Friday the 13th.  While there certainly is a lot of bone-dry humour and an eclectic array of murder weapons, it all wears rather thin when you find yourself unable to sympathise with the daily problems of spoiled rich girls.  Their detachment from the real world can be funny, but they’re just not relatable or interesting.  And Lea Michele was much creepier as the psycho choir girl from Glee.  You may enjoy the show for what it is, but don’t expect a satisfactory pay-off.
 
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Hangman - Rating: * * 1/2 (Reviewed by Louis Stephenson)

10/12/2016

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THE STORY:
A family return home from vacation to find their house trashed.  Unbeknownst to them, the man responsible is living in their attic, watching them through a surveillance system that covers every room.
 
So what can be said for a found footage movie that has more or less the same setup as Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)?  Not much, to be honest, if you can even compare every cupboard in our kitchen exploding open to spitting in the orange juice like some low-brow chick flick revenge scene – usually accompanied by some overplayed 80s power-pop number blasting out over the soundtrack.  Sure you could argue substance over spectacle but moving lamps and juice cartons?  It’s not enough.  It would almost be funny if it was clever enough.
 
Is their tension?  Of course, at first, but it soon dissipates when you realise the makers are following a well-worn story structure, which means that the family probably won’t come to any harm whatsoever until the last 10 minutes of viewing time, for the sake of keeping them in the house where the killer wants them, as well as making the movie remotely plausible. 
 
It’s impossible to care for the people that do fall victim to our villain before the finale because as if the fact we only see them through fly-on-the-wall surveillance isn’t enough of a disconnect, they are clearly introduced for the purpose of being picked off only moments later.
 
You also never lose the feeling that he has total control over the entire situation, that everything is inevitable and cannot be otherwise.  Watching over everything like some cruel social experiment.  Experiment complete.  Collect data.  Dispose of subjects.  There’s no fight, no battle, nothing.
 
The most intriguing thing about Hangman is that it is one of the few in which we can see the entire movie through the killer’s eyes, albeit only technically in most cases.  Usually this gives us a chance to gain a deeper perspective on who our antagonist is – a look into the abyss.  Except that he doesn’t talk aside from a couple of psychotic episodes and when he utters his creepy tag-line.  The questions fly.  The questions mount.  And they all go unanswered.
 
LAST WORDS:
Mark Ezra, co-writer & co-director of the 1986 slasher classic Slaughter High, did roughly the same idea 5 years earlier with 2010’s You Are Not Alone aka House Swap.  He made it better, and much scarier.  Still, I can’t fault Hangman’s nod to Black Christmas (1974), which also featured an attic-dwelling psychopath.
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