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Louis' Top 10 WORST Found Footage Films

8/9/2016

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10 – BLACK WATER VAMPIRE (2014)

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating.  Save for a few obvious differences, this movie is a carbon copy of The Blair Witch Project.  Oddly enough this one is too straight-faced to be an Asylum production, despite its shameless imitation.  They even find a house in the woods during the film’s climax…

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​9 – PARANORMAL ENTITY 4 (2012)
Or 100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck as it is known on IMDB.com.  Just as Paranormal Entity (2009) was a blatant cash-in for The Asylum on Paranormal Activity (2007), part 4 is a shameless rip-off of Grave Encounters (2011).  And a bad one at that.  Usually even Asylum applies its own barrage of cheesy deviations, but this has to be the laziest, most unoriginal piece they have ever produced.

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​8 – PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION (2015)
Why this movie was necessary, I do not know.  It’s not scary.  There’s no tension.  Where the entertainment factor is concerned franchise spin-off The Marked Ones is better.  It’s actually better in almost every way.  As well as squeezing another hundred mil out of loyal fans, in hindsight it was probably the best way to introduce the ridiculous time portal mythology to the series’ otherwise reality-based format.  A very disappointing conclusion to a franchise that was nearly half-decent.

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​7 – THE POSSESSION OF MICHAEL KING (2014)

​It may have some creepy moments.  It may have some tricks up its sleeve.  But that doesn’t hide the fact that this movie makes no fucking sense whatsoever.  Our leading man wants to disprove the paranormal by attempting to be possessed by demons because a psychic’s advice may have caused the death of his wife...  What the actual fuck???  So disproving the existence of demons somehow disproves all things that are supernatural?  How does that work?  Even if you could answer that one – which you can’t – the character of Michael King is the dumbest motherfucker in found footage history.  Never mind his motives, which have so many holes a person could get trypophobia.  Who the hell actually tries to be possessed?  I mean, seriously!

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​6 – THE ATTICUS INSTITUTE (2015)

​What this movie, and so many other wannabes of its kind seem to forget is that the quality of a possession movie is dependent upon the character who is possessed.  The actress in this case fails miserably.  Her constant scowl is not that of a mischievous demon, but of a spoilt bitch of a teenager.  And given that she is mostly mute, she’s quite a boring one at that.  Considering what the production team had at their disposal, the location, for one example, they didn’t put any of it to great use.  No surprises.  Nothing new.  The ending was also quite dismissive of the film’s journey and very anti-climactic.  Was it a stab at realism?  Maybe, but a misguided one.

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​5 – THE PYRAMID (2014)
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Whilst it had an original setting for the sub-genre, Pyramid is a highly predictable movie that wastes any and every opportunity to create some fantastic tension.  The lame CGI, particularly Anubis destroys whatever power the movie has left as he looks like a Scooby-Doo villain.  And if the monster of your movie doesn’t look scarier than James Buckley, you might as well quit now.  A standout performance from Denis O’Hare is expected, but never arrives.

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​4 – APOLLO 18 (2011)

​The film that made claustrophobia boring.  Despite the suffocating confines of their quarters, the limitations of where the astronauts can go and what they can do soon turns the movie’s feel from a slow burn to a sluggish bore.  Even worse is that the pay-off, the reward for a patience well-tested, isn’t worth the effort.

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​3 – HAUNTING OF CELLBLOCK 11 (2014)

​Just as Black Water took from the Blair Witch, and Paranormal Entity 4 took from Grave Encounters, Cellblock 11 – the latest ghost hunters in a haunted asylum movie – has a wealth of found footage fodder to choose from, to learn from, to improve on…  And does absolutely nothing with it.  Nothing new.  Not a single flair of inspiration.  It’s Paranormal Entity 4.2.  And that shiny green slipcase was so pretty, too…

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2 – INFERNAL (2015)

​A couple’s little girl is a devil child.  But why does this movie suck so badly?  Well, to put it kindly, the acting is bad.  The script is atrocious, packed with pointless filler.  Plus, these people should not be parents because they swear like teenagers in a park all the way through.  The editing is so bad that jump scares are completely missed out as they just skip to the next day before you’ve even realised what’s going on.  This movie also makes the mistake of showing its demons…and one of them is gold…  Yeah, you read that right.  Gold…

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1 – HOUSE ON THE HILL (2012)

​This one was no.1 on my Top 10 Worst Horror Films of 2015.  Everything about this film is just sad, beyond amateurish, a waste of time.  Avoid.  It’s a pathetic piece of shit, not worth the accelerant it would take to burn it.

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Mark's Top 5 Animated Movies That Will Make You Cry

8/6/2016

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5. Pokemon: The First Movie

First on our list is of the saddest moments in Pokemon History, which sees Ash step into the middle of an epic battle between Mew and Mewtwo, which leads to him being turned to stone. In a heart wrenching scene Pikachu tries to revive our hero but to no avail. the scene is made more emotional as Misty and Brock watch on. With all the Pokemon surrounding the arena drawn to tears so was the audience at home.

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4. The Good Dinosaur

This is sadly a Pixar film which went under alot of peoples radars which was a huge huge HUGE shame. The Good Dinosaur will go down as a classic in our home, the characters were endearing the storyline was perfect and the is two scenes which will hit you emotionally. but the one scene which hit home more for me is where Arlo and Spot connect by creating their family out of sticks only for spot to push two sticks down and covering them with dirt. This is a touching scene where Arlo and Spot relalising they both suffered the loss of a family member. Having lost my mum a few years back this tugged my heartstrings hard. This is a great film, get it NOW.

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 3. Finding Dory

Basically EVERY scene with baby dory in this film would fill you up with tears, from the hide and seek scene all the way to the one line that got me. "What if I forget you? Would you ever forget me?" That one line should rip your heart out. Finding dory is a beautifully sad film with so much happiness thrown in there and belongs on this list. I don't have the scene with that line however here is the clip of the hide and seek scene

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2. Grave of the Fireflies

If this scene doesn't make you at least well up then you are  heartless bastard and we can't be friends. Grave of the Fireflies is the saddest film in the Studio Ghibli library. This isn't a family film this is a based on a true story kind of film. As a war drama this has to be up there on the list of hardest hitting war dramas. This scene ripped my heart out.

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1. Up

Damn it Disney!! Pixar know just how to make you burst into tears within seconds. Up's opening scenes will go down in history as one of the saddest moments in cinema history. We watch as Carl and Ellie fall in love, plan their adventure in life and then...Ellie finds out she can't have children...the first punch to the gut. Ellie and Carl grow old together, their adventures never completed and then Ellie's death. The most heart wrenching montage scene EVER MADE with a beautiful musical score this film gets me every time.

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Louis Stephenson's Top 10 Found Footage Films

8/6/2016

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10 – WILLOW CREEK (2013)
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For the most part, there’s nothing particular that helps this one stand apart from any other Bigfoot movie.  Nothing compared to any other found footage for that matter.  Nothing except, one very long continuous take in which our two leads sit and listen as something stalks around their campsite in the middle of the night, getting closer and closer.  It reminds you of those times you stood frozen at the top of your stairs, holding your breath as you’re trying to figure out if someone has broken in your house.  If I could feel no pain I would’ve chewed my fingers right down from nails to knuckles.  Someone finally decided to make good on Blair Witch’s use of real-time tension.

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9 – AFFLICTED (2014)

Not only does this unfortunate tale have an interesting and creepy take on the transformation from human into vampire, but it’s a kick to see the world through a modern-day vampire’s eyes as he scales and leaps from tall buildings.  It can be a trip, but it’s thrilling to watch at times.

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8 – THE DEN (HACKED) (2013)
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Only just released this year in the UK on DVD under the title Hacked.  A lot of undeserved praise was heaped on its “innovative” cousin Unfriended (2014).  So as you may have guessed the majority of this film’s story is shown through the main screen of the protagonist’s laptop.  And although it is never mentioned by name, the source that terrorises our leading lady shows a lot of characteristics of a hacker from the dark web, the worldwide web version of the black market.  A very real place that nobody should get on the wrong side of.  Especially trespassers.

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​7 – GRAVE ENCOUNTERS (2011)
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Encounters never took itself too seriously, so when it starts rolling out the scares it becomes a surprising thrill ride.  Thanks to its popularity, this one has far too many shockingly bad copycats.  Its severed tongue sequence is now part of a popular Try Not To Get Scared video on YouTube.

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 6 – YOU ARE NOT ALONE (2010)
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Known as House Swap on IMDb.com, what frightened me about this one is that for once the evil force in the house wasn’t a witch, a ghost, the devil, bigfoot or an alien, but a person.  An insane killer that navigates the house unseen until they decide they want you to see them.

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​5 – THE SACRAMENT (2013)

​This chilling excursion shows us the horrifying effects of group psychosis, what people are willing to do, to sacrifice for their own beliefs.  The climax is unnerving on many levels, and the act itself is, by extension, its own form of terrorism.

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4 – DIARY OF THE DEAD (2007)
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Romero taught the world how to make kick-ass zombie movies, but could he be schooled by the new kids on the block.  As expected, the teacher is also a brilliant student.  If memory serves me right, I also preferred this one to George’s Land of the Dead (2005).  It’s certainly better than 2009’s Survival of the Dead… (Shudders in disgust)

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3 – THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)
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This entry in my Top 10 is a payment of respect, but that shouldn’t take away from its initial impact.  The tent scene didn’t scare me like it did so many others, but then came that fucking ending.  It’s the perfect example of how quickly and deeply urban myth can take route in the human mind.  After seeing this film, all you would have to do is stand in the corner of an empty room, and the next person to walk in would know to run back out…usually screaming for their lives…

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2 – V/H/S/2 (2013)
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Its prequel was a great start to the franchise, grim short horror stories told to us through that grainy first-person/voyeuristic perspective.  Part 2 steps things up, the way every sequel should.  I’ll admit, it’s not as creepy, but for what it lacks it makes up for in style, technique and the entertainment factor.  Segment 3 is easily the best of the entire series.  This instalment is one story short of the original’s 5 tales.  Personally, I’d remedy this by plucking Bonestorm – the skater boys versus Mexican witch zombies segment – from V/H/S Viral (2014), and having that tame and disappointing sequel not exist at all.

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1 – THE BORDERLANDS (2013)
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As well as having one of the most bizarre and original endings I’ve seen in any genre, the night church scenes filled me a dread that I can’t quite explain.  I wouldn’t call myself a believer, but I guess the notion of a place of worship and safety being violated by something so malevolent and deadly isn’t exactly comforting.

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