Despite several warnings of murders in the area, a group of youngsters stay at a resort in the snow covered mountains. It’s all pranks and fun mischief, but when the laughter starts to die, so do they.
Satan’s Blade has to be one of the daftest, if not THE daftest slasher movie I have ever seen. First of all, the killer is driven by supernatural forces as they become possessed by a blade thrown from the dark waters of the mountain river by a ghoulish arm. Remember that equally daft trailer for Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 which infamously parodied the legend of the sword Excalibur by having the Lady of the Lake bestow Leatherface with his iconic chainsaw? It’s a wee bit like that.
Everything then begins to proceed quite randomly as we follow a short tale of betrayal between two trigger happy lesbian bank robbers. So random, in fact, that I took a few moments of confusion to look over the dual format casing, wondering if I had bought in the wrong damn movie.
What follows is an unstructured mess of dull relationship talks, too many characters and Friday the 13th rip-offs. Could I tell you any of their names? Nope. And it doesn’t look like I’m supposed to care either, as once the killing finally begins they all fall under the blade in rather quick succession. Thankfully there are so many of them that each overdramatically drawn out demise chews up the remaining viewing time at a surprising speed.
Which very rapidly brings us to the most moronic thing about this movie: the killer’s motive. It was all about the money stolen by the lesbian bank robbers… Money that every poor victim in that resort had absolutely no knowledge of. Money that was hidden in an air vent that could have been easily retrieved without a single soul being any the wiser. For a moment I feel like I’ve just watched a backwoods, super dumb, super fucked up version of No Country for Old Men (2007), which this movie sure as shit ain’t!
Arrow Video have accumulated quite a decent collection of classic slashers over the years. But if they secretly wanted to give 88 a run for their money on who could release the stupidest of the pack, Satan’s Blade is the certainly the right way to go about it.